Thursday, September 30, 2010

Life...struggling with the "wait and see."

So life these past few months has been, I guess, interestingly difficult. It's had it's ups and downs but it hasn't been boring at all. Let's start with my family. My dad has been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. He doesn't have to take insulin, but needs to change his diet and take medication for it. He's also been diagnosed with a thyroid problem and has yet to really change his diet. It's kind of frustrating because I don't think he understands the severity of the issue. He's supposed to take his medication at certain times and he rarely does which means that the medication is not working to its full potential. But, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will get on track with it soon. We'll have to wait and see. My Aunt Cheryl has (as those of you who read my blog know) been struggling with her cancer. A few weeks ago she was told that the cancer has pretty much completely taken over her abdomen and she's got 6 months if she doesn't have any treatment. Well, like in true "Cheryl" fashion, she is opting for treatment. She started chemo this week and is already completely wiped out due to her frail state and the doctor wants to have her start radiation soon. She's already said that she doesn't think she can handle it and given the fact that she was admitted to the hospital yesterday, I'm starting to think that too. One surprising thing is that she has decided to take Marinol (the pill form of Marijuana) to hopefully increase her appetite but because of the hospital thing, that may not happen. Again, we'll have to wait and see.

Now, school. I'm doing well in Statistics. It's amazing what reading the book more thoroughly and not having a show or other classes to distract you can do. I got an 88% on my first test and I hope that continues. I'm still upset that I have to be at GCC another year but it's part of God's plan so I'm learning to roll with it. I'm really trying not to get distracted by things that will take my focus off of this class so that I can pass and not have to worry about this class ever again. But, I have decided that next semester, I will take some classes that I formerly took and dropped, so I can get those W's off my transcripts and boost my GPA. There may be time for one last show in there too. We'll (again) have to wait and see.

God's plan. I've recently discovered the answer to why God wanted me to stay here. It was last week, just after we had heard the news about Aunt Cheryl. My mom was crying and said, "I can't imagine my life without her. She's been such a big part of my support system over these last 40+ years." And that's true. Right from the beginning of their friendship, Aunt Cheryl has been a big support for my mom - from the death of her father less than 2 months after they met, to everything that happened to my sister (which Aunt Cheryl is her God mother), to being the support for my mom when both of my grandmothers died. Every step of the way, she's been there for my mom, and now my mom has to struggle with what may happen without Aunt Cheryl. I believe that's why God kept me here, so that my mom would not be alone in this. He's keeping me here to help the entire family through what possibly could happen in the next few months. I'm not happy about it but I'm greatful now that I know why I had to stay. I'm also here for Kelly Anne, as this whole thing has been very difficult for her to deal with, especially since she broke up with Frank. There's still a possibility for Aunt Cheryl but it's very low. Once more, we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Monday, July 12, 2010

God has a plan? Who knew?

Camp has happened yet again in my life and it never ceases to amaze me that I always learn something from it. I love that I continually learn from this experience, which makes me always go back, with the added benefit of the friends I've made and the kids I get to work with. Simply put: I LOVE CAMP!

With that said, I would be a liar if I didn't admit that, at times, camp is hard. This year was especially hard because we were not at our usual site, Colby. We had to learn to share - which was EXTREMELY difficult, & not as successful as I would have hoped. It was frustrating having to deal with the elementary staff & kids, but we got through it nonetheless. There were more than a couple campers that I wanted to strangle at times because of the way they were acting, but now that I've had my chance to rest & look back, it was not a bad experience. I am so greatful that we even got to have camp this year that all of the frustrating stuff is easily overlooked. But that doesn't mean I can't still look forward to being back at Colby next year :-)

Here are a few things I learned this year:
Patience. I like to think that I'm a pretty patient person most of the time, but that doesn't mean that you can't learn to be even more patient. We had a lot of younger kids this year, 1 of which is OCD, 2 were known to have psychotic episodes (luckily they did not have any at camp), and 1 was autistic. 2 campers had attitude problems and were too cool for their own good which made it difficult to get them to participate in anything. I think individually they were all fine, but when put together, it made for a very trying week at times.

Acceptance. I was so taken back by the kids and their ability to accept everyone. When I saw the autistic kid at registration, I immediately thought that there was going to be problems, just based on past experiences with my sister. But I was sorely mistaken. A number of kids took him under their wing and made sure that he was included in everything. Not once did I see anybody get irritated when he wanted to be included in a game or activity. That warmed my heart in such a way that I can't express in words. I just wanted to hug each camper for being so accepting of someone with special needs.

Love. On more than one occassion, I got emotional. That hardly ever happens. Period. And it's not because I don't feel loved, but rather, at camp I feel so loved and safe that I can open up in ways that I never have before. It is where I feel God's presence the most, which makes me feel comfortable enough to be able to open up and let the emotions flow.

God has a plan. This is by far the most important lesson I learned at camp. Especially given everything that happened with UCSD. Sure, I heard it before but for some reason, it really sunk in at camp. Our theme for the week was "Amazing Race, Amazing Grace," and we talked a lot about receiving spiritual training in order to be able to leave it all in God's hands, which is easier said than done. I never thought of it that way until this week. And now that I see that, I am so greatful for it and will cherish it and use that training to the best of my abilities.

Things I am greatful for at camp:
A staff lounge. We were not able to really have a place for just our staff. Usually, we have one where the staff can go (not all at once obviously) to be able to vent their frustrations at camp. It was not so this year which lead to me building up a lot of frustration by the end of the week.

Colby. God, I miss that place. I didn't feel as spiritually renewed as I do when I get to go to Colby. But, hopefully next year we will be able to be there.

The staff. Without them, camp would not happen obviously. They are such an amazing support system when it comes to venting, getting ideas, and hugs. And while there are a couple of changes year after year, I still get to work with the best camp staff. I would trust my life to these amazing individuals and in a lot of ways, I have because they've helped me through the most difficult struggles with myself. I can't express enough how thankful I am for them and how I feel I've made life long friendships with them. This is probably the best part of my camp experience.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And that, in a nutshell, was my week at camp :-)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

So...I'm NOT going to UCSD after all

It really saddens me to say it because I was so looking forward to being there but even after RIGOROUS studying, I will not be able to pass my Statistics course. And after phone calls to the admissions people at UCSD, I can't even take the course over the summer. I asked them if that was possible and they said no, and they continued to say no after asking if I can defer my acceptance. So, I will have to reapply in the fall and not be guaranteed admission. I cried for an hour and it still hurts to mention it. I haven't told many people because in many ways, I'm ashamed. I mean, I was ACCEPTED and made the decision to go and now, because I'm not passing a class, I will be forced to stay at GCC for yet ANOTHER year. I've never heard of that happening to anyone. Usually, you get accepted, pass your classes, and go. I'm so disappointed in myself. Part of me doesn't even want to attempt the Stats final but I will, even though I'll have to repeat it in the fall. Ugh.

I can't help but feel like a failure in this whole mess. Even with all the love people are giving me. I've struggled so much to get to the point where I can transfer (8 FREAKING years to decide what I want to do) and now I have to take longer to get where I want to go. This was not in my plan at all. And now I feel sort of lost. Yes, I will continue my education (I will take Stats and a few music classes in the fall) because I feel it's important, but because my educational plan has been thrown off, I can't help but feel lost in some way. I think I'm mostly just frustrated because of this whole math thing. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!! And because I don't get it, I now have to wait yet ANOTHER year to get out of here. I keep asking why this is happening but I have yet to receive an answer... I guess it's all up to God now.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I'm bad at this.

I've come to realize that I'm bad at keeping this thing up to date. That mostly has to do with the fact that I only write when I need to vent and that I've been so busy with school that I have no time to write. I don't have much to complain about actually; life is treating me well. I was accepted to UC San Diego and will start there in the fall, provided I pass all of my classes this semester. This semester has by far, been the most difficult for me. It's all science and math, two subjects which have never been my best. I find myself doubting myself constantly and am worried that I will have to repeat classes, which I don't want to do. I am especially having a difficult time with Statistics and I'm trying so hard to study and stay positive. It's just math and I have NEVER gotten along. Oh well.

Other than that, life is good. I'm moving forward and will make every effort to meet my goals!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

I guess it's that time again...

I really do need to start writing in this more often. Let's see... Since I last wrote, I've: finished ANOTHER semester of school, decided to give Stage Managing (or, at least Assistant Stage Managing) another try - something I thought I'd never do again based on my last, rather horrible experience, and started dating someone. Let's begin with school:

I am doing well in school. It actually amazes me! And I applied to schools to transfer to next fall, which I am excited/nervous/scared out of my mind for. I'm afraid of change and I've been at GCC for what feels like 100 years, it's only natural that I'd be nervous to move on. Aside from being nervous that I won't get into any of the schools I applied to, I'm scared of what the next chapter of my life holds for me. This is a big step for me and I don't want to mess it up. But over the last year or so, I've actually managed to stay focussed on my goal and will hopefully acheive it soon. I look forward to what the world holds for me and will accept it with every ounce of me (I don't think I'll really have a choice, lol). I just have one more semester to go before going to what I call "Big Kid's School," lol.

Assistant Stage Managing... A rather touchy subject for me since my last experience with it. However, in the three days we've been rehearsing, I feel like this will be a good experience. Jim is the Stage Manager and I have every confidence that he will not bail out on me like the last one. And I have a co-Assistant, Savanna. The three of us are a force to be reckoned with. Already we've established who's doing what, where, and how. And it wasn't something we talked about and then did. We just naturally fell into it, which makes me feel good about what's to come in the next few months. So, fingers crossed, it will be a MUCH better experience than last time.

Ah, dating. I've started seeing someone. He's wonderful and I like him a lot. We met through camp and have actually known each other for a little over four years but this last year we started texting back and forth and low and behold, we had some chemistry! We've been dating since August and things are good. I can be a goofball with him and I absolutely love the time I get to spend with him because it feels so natural to be around him. And, the more I get to know him, the more attracted I am to him, which is obviously good. One thing though, I have yet to have the "relationship talk" with him. I don't know why it keeps getting put off. I think it's because when I've actually had that talk in the past with others, it has not ended well and I'm afraid to rock the boat. So, I've got to figure out how to approach that, and soon. I think, also it's because I feel so in sync with him that I sometimes don't feel the need to have that convo. But I know I should just to touch base with him and verbally make sure we're on the same page. We'll see how it goes.

That has been the last five months of my life, in a nutshell. Hopefully I will find time to write more in the future, as I feel the need to make sure I don't keep things in and eventually explode.