Friday, April 24, 2009
Why do I keep doing things that go against my morals?
It only sets me up for a world of hurt. Is it because I need to experience humility? Because I have. On more than one occassion at this point. I'm now disappointed in myself, in others, hurt by said others, etc. I'm angry, frustrated, sad all because I did something I shouldn't have. Ugh. And I can't stop thinking about it either. And about the other person involved (actually, they are all I've thought about the past couple of days). I hate that. I'm trying not to regret what I did because regretting it doesn't change the fact that it happened. I just need to move on. I need to refocus and work towards achieving my goals. But it's easier said than done when you can't get your mind off of someone. Please don't let this hurt like it did the last time someone hurt me because I honestly can't take it. I know I probably won't survive it because I barely survived the last time. I have to move on. Hopefully I can.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
You can dance, you can jive!
Warning: the following contains just random thoughts that are running through my head.
As I listen to the song "Dancing Queen" more and more, I have come to realize that it is my favorite song. Not because it is well written (because I know songs that are well written, and this is not one of them), but because it is an upbeat, "Celebrate Life!" type of song. And it reminds me of a time in life when I was young(er) and carefree. And, it reminds me of Alex and Phi doing their gay dance during Unconcert which ALWAYS makes me laugh, even 7 years later. This song, no matter what mood I'm in (and lately, I've been in a bad mood), always brightens my day.
Visions that run through my mind on a consistent basis: Running around the UN trying to save the world from cruelties beyond our grasp. And teaching high school government; being that teacher that truly inspires her kids; if I do become a government teacher, one thing I'd implement in my class is holding elections so that my kids know what to expect and then I would use their votes to decide who I should vote for because I see my vote as counting for the amount of kids I teach. UCLA. Maybe Occidental. Meeting someone special and starting a family.That's it.
As I listen to the song "Dancing Queen" more and more, I have come to realize that it is my favorite song. Not because it is well written (because I know songs that are well written, and this is not one of them), but because it is an upbeat, "Celebrate Life!" type of song. And it reminds me of a time in life when I was young(er) and carefree. And, it reminds me of Alex and Phi doing their gay dance during Unconcert which ALWAYS makes me laugh, even 7 years later. This song, no matter what mood I'm in (and lately, I've been in a bad mood), always brightens my day.
Visions that run through my mind on a consistent basis: Running around the UN trying to save the world from cruelties beyond our grasp. And teaching high school government; being that teacher that truly inspires her kids; if I do become a government teacher, one thing I'd implement in my class is holding elections so that my kids know what to expect and then I would use their votes to decide who I should vote for because I see my vote as counting for the amount of kids I teach. UCLA. Maybe Occidental. Meeting someone special and starting a family.That's it.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
On being a hermit.
In recent weeks, I've realized that I have become somewhat of a hermit. I guess it's mostly due to the fact that I'm trying rather hard to keep my grades up. Since the last summer session, I've been averaging a 3.0 GPA, however, due to my past laziness, my overall GPA is currently a 2.94. But all is not lost. If everything goes according to my plan, I should have a 3.0 by the end of the semester (possibly higher if I get a C on that Poli Sci final that I had to makeup earlier this week. I took an "incomplete" for one of my Poli Sci classes that I took in fall because at the end of the semester I got incredibly sick and missed like 2 weeks of class). So, for now, this is my life.
As much as I am loving the fact that I am getting good grades, I've come to realize that I miss socializing with people. I seem to have distanced myself from the people around me and am in this sort of state of "friend limbo," as I like to call it because I don't feel connected to the people I usually hang out with anymore. I've come to think that maybe I don't fit in anymore because I have a different plan than they do. And by that, I mean that my plan is to actually move on from a community college. I seem to get frustrated with them when they don't go to their classes, but I feel like I shouldn't judge them because it was not that long ago that I was the same way. I think this is also contributing to my "hermit-ness."
I've also been looking into the colleges that I want to apply to. Doing this is getting me so excited to transfer. Right now, my top two choices are UCLA and Occidental (they're really tied for first at this point), followed by Berkeley. And the more colleges I look at, the more I feel the need to apply to not just one or two, but I feel I should apply to like 10 just to make sure that I get in somewhere (because I have this fear that the schools will look at my past grades and say, "She's had a lot of withdrawls and a couple of F's, I don't think we should let her in"). I'm just being prepared I guess.
I wish I could say that my life is more exciting right now, but really, this is about it. And, thus, I'm ending this blog abruptly.
As much as I am loving the fact that I am getting good grades, I've come to realize that I miss socializing with people. I seem to have distanced myself from the people around me and am in this sort of state of "friend limbo," as I like to call it because I don't feel connected to the people I usually hang out with anymore. I've come to think that maybe I don't fit in anymore because I have a different plan than they do. And by that, I mean that my plan is to actually move on from a community college. I seem to get frustrated with them when they don't go to their classes, but I feel like I shouldn't judge them because it was not that long ago that I was the same way. I think this is also contributing to my "hermit-ness."
I've also been looking into the colleges that I want to apply to. Doing this is getting me so excited to transfer. Right now, my top two choices are UCLA and Occidental (they're really tied for first at this point), followed by Berkeley. And the more colleges I look at, the more I feel the need to apply to not just one or two, but I feel I should apply to like 10 just to make sure that I get in somewhere (because I have this fear that the schools will look at my past grades and say, "She's had a lot of withdrawls and a couple of F's, I don't think we should let her in"). I'm just being prepared I guess.
I wish I could say that my life is more exciting right now, but really, this is about it. And, thus, I'm ending this blog abruptly.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
30 Hours
Thursday, February 19, 2009
1 year
One year, to some, can seem like a long time. But for others, it's not enough; like to someone who is given only one year to live. My aunt (really my mom's best friend, but she's more like family than even my own) was given one year to live earlier this week. She's fighting cancer for the fifth time in 16 years. I'm still in shock by the news because she's always beat it before and now, she's not. I don't know what to do. I'm in shock, I'm angry/frustrated, I'm sad, all at once. It's not fair. But, I know, life isn't fair. But she's come so far. And now, FIVE TIMES, all for nothing. NOTHING. This sucks. She's not gonna get to see her children get married, or get to see her grandkids (and what sucks even more is that she would make an awesome grandmother, and I know how much she wants to be a grandmother). I'm so upset. I don't want to lose her. Nobody does. Ugh.
Now, with that said, I guess we have to make the best of it. And I intend to. Every chance I get, every moment I get to spend with her, I will treasure it. DEARLY. Because she's an AMAZING woman and I love her like a second mother. If you were to ask me who my heroes are, she would MOST DEFINITELY be one of them, just because she's managed to fight cancer not once, but FIVE TIMES. I know that if I were in her shoes, I would have given up long ago, but by her being such a fighter, it just goes to show how amazing she truly is. And for that, I will always be grateful for her.
But, that doesn't mean that I can't still pray for a miracle. And believe me, I'm praying. I think a lot of us are due for some kind of miracle and I hope that she gets one. Because she deserves it, more than anyone.
P.S. I know that it isn't for nothing, because she lived a great life. I mean it in a different way than what everyone else thinks and it's hard for me to explain it to everyone so before you all start saying "It wasn't all for nothing," just realize that I mean it differently than what you might think.
Now, with that said, I guess we have to make the best of it. And I intend to. Every chance I get, every moment I get to spend with her, I will treasure it. DEARLY. Because she's an AMAZING woman and I love her like a second mother. If you were to ask me who my heroes are, she would MOST DEFINITELY be one of them, just because she's managed to fight cancer not once, but FIVE TIMES. I know that if I were in her shoes, I would have given up long ago, but by her being such a fighter, it just goes to show how amazing she truly is. And for that, I will always be grateful for her.
But, that doesn't mean that I can't still pray for a miracle. And believe me, I'm praying. I think a lot of us are due for some kind of miracle and I hope that she gets one. Because she deserves it, more than anyone.
P.S. I know that it isn't for nothing, because she lived a great life. I mean it in a different way than what everyone else thinks and it's hard for me to explain it to everyone so before you all start saying "It wasn't all for nothing," just realize that I mean it differently than what you might think.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Family
This past weekend was a lot about family. I guess that's what I get for going to my cousin's wedding. Actually, she's my 2nd cousin (my mom and her dad are 1st cousins) but I'm closer to her that my 1st cousins on that side of the family. Anyway, a lot of the family stuff was good (hello? It's a wedding. Of course it's good!) But some of it was not so good. There is one particular uncle that was there that we were once close to, but since my grandmother passed away, we've had some issues. He's not accepting of my sister at all which is sad because she's so wonderful and he doesn't even realize it. Nor does he care.
So Sunday, the day after the wedding, my mom's cousin had a family gathering at his house and invited all of the out of towners to be able to spend time with each other. It was nice and wonderful to spend time with some family that I had only met the day before as well as those that I've known for ages. We had to leave around 3 in order to make it home at a decent hour and when we left, my mom's cousin mentioned something about said uncle. My mom went into detail about how they don't get along and he said that he never understood why all of a sudden they (he and my uncle) were not so close, because they used to be more like brothers. We all got to talking and my mom came to the conclusion that it's because we don't fit a certain standard that my uncle has for people.
That makes me angry. That sort of thing doesn't matter when it comes to family because they're FAMILY. I can't stand that. It really sucks because if he would just get off of his damn high horse and see that at the end of the day, it's not about how much money you make or who you impress, but how much you are loved by others. By him doing this, he's losing the love and respect of his own flesh and blood and that is just sad. Ugh, whatever. I just needed to get that off of my chest.
So Sunday, the day after the wedding, my mom's cousin had a family gathering at his house and invited all of the out of towners to be able to spend time with each other. It was nice and wonderful to spend time with some family that I had only met the day before as well as those that I've known for ages. We had to leave around 3 in order to make it home at a decent hour and when we left, my mom's cousin mentioned something about said uncle. My mom went into detail about how they don't get along and he said that he never understood why all of a sudden they (he and my uncle) were not so close, because they used to be more like brothers. We all got to talking and my mom came to the conclusion that it's because we don't fit a certain standard that my uncle has for people.
That makes me angry. That sort of thing doesn't matter when it comes to family because they're FAMILY. I can't stand that. It really sucks because if he would just get off of his damn high horse and see that at the end of the day, it's not about how much money you make or who you impress, but how much you are loved by others. By him doing this, he's losing the love and respect of his own flesh and blood and that is just sad. Ugh, whatever. I just needed to get that off of my chest.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My OCD in packing items
I'm leaving for a quick trip to Arizona tomorrow for my cousin's wedding. I realized today, just how incredibly OCD I can be when I'm packing things. I have to have everything that is mine in MY luggage. My mom has offered countless times to put things of mine in with her stuff but I can't stand it. I gave in to her offer of taking my dress for the wedding and putting it in her garment bag. It kills me. I don't know what it is about not having control over my stuff that bothers me so. I just like knowing that it is safe. Anyway, I leave at an ungodly hour tomorrow morning but hopefully I'll be able to have some rest and relaxation this weekend. We'll see...
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