It's been awhile...Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm terrible at keeping this thing up-to-date. Not that many people read it. And those who do, know what's been going on in my life for the last year and a half anyway. Let's see if I can catch you few readers up in a couple of sentences. Aunt Cheryl finally lost her battle in November of 2010. I received my AA Degree from GCC and I was re-accepted to UCSD and just entered my third quarter there. I'm still with my boyfriend and am continually realizing how important he is to me and how wonderful he is to me - example: Today is my birthday. At midnight, he called and serenaded me. Hands down, best present ever :-). That is pretty much the gist of my life right now.

I still have amazing friends who have supported me tremendously in the last year and a half and I am continually grateful for their love and support in my endeavors.

Now onto the reason I felt compelled to write today: My Birthday. My birthdays in the last couple of years haven't always been the greatest and so I was finding that I didn't care that much if I celebrated or not. Yesterday, however, something struck me and made me re-evaluate my life. I can't explain exactly what "it" was, but all of a sudden, I decided that I really do need to take the opportunity to celebrate my life at every opportunity. You see, not a lot of you know this, but I came VERY close to not being here at all. But, thanks to my mother's exceptional instincts, I was not a stillborn. It's hard to fathom that I was almost not born and I think I've spent my entire life ignoring that important fact about me. My due date was actually April 10 but when my mom saw the doctor on April 4 she explained that "something didn't feel right." The doctor decided that I would be born by C-Section the next morning. I have since been told that if another 24 hours had passed, I would have died in utero. Due to some unexplained circumstance, I was born with very little blood in my system - and by very little, I mean VERY little, as in I was about as white as a sheet of bright white paper. My heart was working so hard to pump what little blood I had that it's a miracle that I didn't have a heart attack. I was given a blood transfusion at around 12 hours old and eventually diagnosed with Acute Anemia of Unknown Origin - I was literally tested for EVERY type of anemia known to man and each test came back negative (I have since learned that my particular type of anemia - I believe - is called Diamond Blackfan Anemia). My parents spent months going to various hematologists and doctors to try and figure out why my blood levels continued to drop. And then, something happened. I don't know what, but I suppose it can be counted as a miracle: one month, a doctor told my parents that if my levels continued to drop, I would have to have a bone marrow transplant. Low and behold, the next month, my levels rose just a little bit. And from there, it's basically history.

Part of the reason that I've ignored this important factoid about myself for so long is that I just simply don't remember it. All of what I have told you is what occurred within the first six months to a year of my life and the story is what I've been told happened to me. I think it would be much different if this instance occurred later in my life and I actually remembered being sick but the fact is that I don't. And perhaps that is a blessing in disguise. And now, for whatever reason, I feel the need to celebrate that I'm alive and well and should take every advantage of that.

I like to think that I'm generally a positive person with a positive outlook on life (maybe that's reminiscent of what happened to me at birth; but I've usually attributed it to my sister's positive outlook on life - and let's face it, compared to what she's been through, my story isn't incredibly impressive). But lately, I've been trying more and more to focus on the blessings in my life and I've come to the conclusion that I am truly blessed. Blessed with an amazing support system of friends and family who have both seen and loved me at my worst (which has saved my life in a very wonderful and spiritual way) and praised me at my best. I was blessed by an anonymous person who took the time to donate their blood in order to give me life, so if you want to feel like a superhero, go donate blood because to someone who needs it, it is a huge blessing. Most importantly, and unfortunately not realized until just yesterday, I am blessed just to be here; to exist; to live. I have an amazing life, and I don't want to forget/ignore that fact ever again.

Celebrate Life!!!

Life...struggling with the "wait and see."

So life these past few months has been, I guess, interestingly difficult. It's had it's ups and downs but it hasn't been boring at all. Let's start with my family. My dad has been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes. He doesn't have to take insulin, but needs to change his diet and take medication for it. He's also been diagnosed with a thyroid problem and has yet to really change his diet. It's kind of frustrating because I don't think he understands the severity of the issue. He's supposed to take his medication at certain times and he rarely does which means that the medication is not working to its full potential. But, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will get on track with it soon. We'll have to wait and see. My Aunt Cheryl has (as those of you who read my blog know) been struggling with her cancer. A few weeks ago she was told that the cancer has pretty much completely taken over her abdomen and she's got 6 months if she doesn't have any treatment. Well, like in true "Cheryl" fashion, she is opting for treatment. She started chemo this week and is already completely wiped out due to her frail state and the doctor wants to have her start radiation soon. She's already said that she doesn't think she can handle it and given the fact that she was admitted to the hospital yesterday, I'm starting to think that too. One surprising thing is that she has decided to take Marinol (the pill form of Marijuana) to hopefully increase her appetite but because of the hospital thing, that may not happen. Again, we'll have to wait and see.

Now, school. I'm doing well in Statistics. It's amazing what reading the book more thoroughly and not having a show or other classes to distract you can do. I got an 88% on my first test and I hope that continues. I'm still upset that I have to be at GCC another year but it's part of God's plan so I'm learning to roll with it. I'm really trying not to get distracted by things that will take my focus off of this class so that I can pass and not have to worry about this class ever again. But, I have decided that next semester, I will take some classes that I formerly took and dropped, so I can get those W's off my transcripts and boost my GPA. There may be time for one last show in there too. We'll (again) have to wait and see.

God's plan. I've recently discovered the answer to why God wanted me to stay here. It was last week, just after we had heard the news about Aunt Cheryl. My mom was crying and said, "I can't imagine my life without her. She's been such a big part of my support system over these last 40+ years." And that's true. Right from the beginning of their friendship, Aunt Cheryl has been a big support for my mom - from the death of her father less than 2 months after they met, to everything that happened to my sister (which Aunt Cheryl is her God mother), to being the support for my mom when both of my grandmothers died. Every step of the way, she's been there for my mom, and now my mom has to struggle with what may happen without Aunt Cheryl. I believe that's why God kept me here, so that my mom would not be alone in this. He's keeping me here to help the entire family through what possibly could happen in the next few months. I'm not happy about it but I'm greatful now that I know why I had to stay. I'm also here for Kelly Anne, as this whole thing has been very difficult for her to deal with, especially since she broke up with Frank. There's still a possibility for Aunt Cheryl but it's very low. Once more, we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

God has a plan? Who knew?

Camp has happened yet again in my life and it never ceases to amaze me that I always learn something from it. I love that I continually learn from this experience, which makes me always go back, with the added benefit of the friends I've made and the kids I get to work with. Simply put: I LOVE CAMP!

With that said, I would be a liar if I didn't admit that, at times, camp is hard. This year was especially hard because we were not at our usual site, Colby. We had to learn to share - which was EXTREMELY difficult, & not as successful as I would have hoped. It was frustrating having to deal with the elementary staff & kids, but we got through it nonetheless. There were more than a couple campers that I wanted to strangle at times because of the way they were acting, but now that I've had my chance to rest & look back, it was not a bad experience. I am so greatful that we even got to have camp this year that all of the frustrating stuff is easily overlooked. But that doesn't mean I can't still look forward to being back at Colby next year :-)

Here are a few things I learned this year:
Patience. I like to think that I'm a pretty patient person most of the time, but that doesn't mean that you can't learn to be even more patient. We had a lot of younger kids this year, 1 of which is OCD, 2 were known to have psychotic episodes (luckily they did not have any at camp), and 1 was autistic. 2 campers had attitude problems and were too cool for their own good which made it difficult to get them to participate in anything. I think individually they were all fine, but when put together, it made for a very trying week at times.

Acceptance. I was so taken back by the kids and their ability to accept everyone. When I saw the autistic kid at registration, I immediately thought that there was going to be problems, just based on past experiences with my sister. But I was sorely mistaken. A number of kids took him under their wing and made sure that he was included in everything. Not once did I see anybody get irritated when he wanted to be included in a game or activity. That warmed my heart in such a way that I can't express in words. I just wanted to hug each camper for being so accepting of someone with special needs.

Love. On more than one occassion, I got emotional. That hardly ever happens. Period. And it's not because I don't feel loved, but rather, at camp I feel so loved and safe that I can open up in ways that I never have before. It is where I feel God's presence the most, which makes me feel comfortable enough to be able to open up and let the emotions flow.

God has a plan. This is by far the most important lesson I learned at camp. Especially given everything that happened with UCSD. Sure, I heard it before but for some reason, it really sunk in at camp. Our theme for the week was "Amazing Race, Amazing Grace," and we talked a lot about receiving spiritual training in order to be able to leave it all in God's hands, which is easier said than done. I never thought of it that way until this week. And now that I see that, I am so greatful for it and will cherish it and use that training to the best of my abilities.

Things I am greatful for at camp:
A staff lounge. We were not able to really have a place for just our staff. Usually, we have one where the staff can go (not all at once obviously) to be able to vent their frustrations at camp. It was not so this year which lead to me building up a lot of frustration by the end of the week.

Colby. God, I miss that place. I didn't feel as spiritually renewed as I do when I get to go to Colby. But, hopefully next year we will be able to be there.

The staff. Without them, camp would not happen obviously. They are such an amazing support system when it comes to venting, getting ideas, and hugs. And while there are a couple of changes year after year, I still get to work with the best camp staff. I would trust my life to these amazing individuals and in a lot of ways, I have because they've helped me through the most difficult struggles with myself. I can't express enough how thankful I am for them and how I feel I've made life long friendships with them. This is probably the best part of my camp experience.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And that, in a nutshell, was my week at camp :-)

So...I'm NOT going to UCSD after all

It really saddens me to say it because I was so looking forward to being there but even after RIGOROUS studying, I will not be able to pass my Statistics course. And after phone calls to the admissions people at UCSD, I can't even take the course over the summer. I asked them if that was possible and they said no, and they continued to say no after asking if I can defer my acceptance. So, I will have to reapply in the fall and not be guaranteed admission. I cried for an hour and it still hurts to mention it. I haven't told many people because in many ways, I'm ashamed. I mean, I was ACCEPTED and made the decision to go and now, because I'm not passing a class, I will be forced to stay at GCC for yet ANOTHER year. I've never heard of that happening to anyone. Usually, you get accepted, pass your classes, and go. I'm so disappointed in myself. Part of me doesn't even want to attempt the Stats final but I will, even though I'll have to repeat it in the fall. Ugh.

I can't help but feel like a failure in this whole mess. Even with all the love people are giving me. I've struggled so much to get to the point where I can transfer (8 FREAKING years to decide what I want to do) and now I have to take longer to get where I want to go. This was not in my plan at all. And now I feel sort of lost. Yes, I will continue my education (I will take Stats and a few music classes in the fall) because I feel it's important, but because my educational plan has been thrown off, I can't help but feel lost in some way. I think I'm mostly just frustrated because of this whole math thing. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!! And because I don't get it, I now have to wait yet ANOTHER year to get out of here. I keep asking why this is happening but I have yet to receive an answer... I guess it's all up to God now.

I'm bad at this.

I've come to realize that I'm bad at keeping this thing up to date. That mostly has to do with the fact that I only write when I need to vent and that I've been so busy with school that I have no time to write. I don't have much to complain about actually; life is treating me well. I was accepted to UC San Diego and will start there in the fall, provided I pass all of my classes this semester. This semester has by far, been the most difficult for me. It's all science and math, two subjects which have never been my best. I find myself doubting myself constantly and am worried that I will have to repeat classes, which I don't want to do. I am especially having a difficult time with Statistics and I'm trying so hard to study and stay positive. It's just math and I have NEVER gotten along. Oh well.

Other than that, life is good. I'm moving forward and will make every effort to meet my goals!

I guess it's that time again...

I really do need to start writing in this more often. Let's see... Since I last wrote, I've: finished ANOTHER semester of school, decided to give Stage Managing (or, at least Assistant Stage Managing) another try - something I thought I'd never do again based on my last, rather horrible experience, and started dating someone. Let's begin with school:

I am doing well in school. It actually amazes me! And I applied to schools to transfer to next fall, which I am excited/nervous/scared out of my mind for. I'm afraid of change and I've been at GCC for what feels like 100 years, it's only natural that I'd be nervous to move on. Aside from being nervous that I won't get into any of the schools I applied to, I'm scared of what the next chapter of my life holds for me. This is a big step for me and I don't want to mess it up. But over the last year or so, I've actually managed to stay focussed on my goal and will hopefully acheive it soon. I look forward to what the world holds for me and will accept it with every ounce of me (I don't think I'll really have a choice, lol). I just have one more semester to go before going to what I call "Big Kid's School," lol.

Assistant Stage Managing... A rather touchy subject for me since my last experience with it. However, in the three days we've been rehearsing, I feel like this will be a good experience. Jim is the Stage Manager and I have every confidence that he will not bail out on me like the last one. And I have a co-Assistant, Savanna. The three of us are a force to be reckoned with. Already we've established who's doing what, where, and how. And it wasn't something we talked about and then did. We just naturally fell into it, which makes me feel good about what's to come in the next few months. So, fingers crossed, it will be a MUCH better experience than last time.

Ah, dating. I've started seeing someone. He's wonderful and I like him a lot. We met through camp and have actually known each other for a little over four years but this last year we started texting back and forth and low and behold, we had some chemistry! We've been dating since August and things are good. I can be a goofball with him and I absolutely love the time I get to spend with him because it feels so natural to be around him. And, the more I get to know him, the more attracted I am to him, which is obviously good. One thing though, I have yet to have the "relationship talk" with him. I don't know why it keeps getting put off. I think it's because when I've actually had that talk in the past with others, it has not ended well and I'm afraid to rock the boat. So, I've got to figure out how to approach that, and soon. I think, also it's because I feel so in sync with him that I sometimes don't feel the need to have that convo. But I know I should just to touch base with him and verbally make sure we're on the same page. We'll see how it goes.

That has been the last five months of my life, in a nutshell. Hopefully I will find time to write more in the future, as I feel the need to make sure I don't keep things in and eventually explode.

Update

I have to admit that I've been lacking in keeping people posted as to what is going on in my life currently. I've been drained what with camp, followed by Sierra Service Project (SSP), followed by getting sick. So, here it is. Camp was great, as stated previously. I had a week to rejuvenate (which was not enough considering right after SSP I got sick) before heading off to the wonderful Loleta, CA to participate in Sierra Service Project - a project much like Habitat for Humanity, in which we go to an Indian Reservation (this year it was to the Wiyot Tablebluff Reservation) and rebuild homes. It was an interesting and educational experience for me and I enjoyed it very much.

As soon as we got to the little town of Loleta, located about 10 miles south of Eureka, CA., we were divided up into work teams and given a specific project to work on. My team was assigned to Pam's house, which needed new windows installed due to the fact that when the house was originally built 20 years ago, the windows were not properly weather-proofed and caused quite a bit of damage to Pam's home. Our group was the last to participate in this year's project (week 6 of 6) so a lot of the homes were just finishing projects. At first, our work team (which consisted of me, another counselor - Phil - and 8 high school students) had nothing to do. The contractor, Bob (yes Bob, and yes, we called him Bob the builder) was the only one who knew what to do and he was not scheduled to show up until Tuesday afternoon. So the majority of the first 2 days of work consisted of twiddling our thumbs. Finally, on Wednesday, we got to work. Tearing things out and installing insulation, removing screws and rusty nails (no one got cut, thankfully), installing flashing, followed by putting in the new windows and putting up sheet rock. I'm very proud of the kids for everything they contributed that week (and not just the kids on my work team, but the entire SSP group) and how hard they all worked to do something good for others. It really was a positive experience.

As someone who is accostomed to getting to know God through camps, I really wasn't sure of how this experience was going to be. It was a different experience and sometimes, I'm not the best person when it comes to changes (as I'm sure most of you out there are the same). But I have to say that I did get to experience God in the kids that were there. Seeing them do a good deed for others and letting them take things into their own hands was a rewarding experience for me. At the beginning of the week, something felt off to me though, and it took me a couple of days to realize what it was. I'm so used to camp and having the chance to know the other counselors really well. That was not the case here at SSP. I think I was expecting it to be a little more like camp than it actually was and when it wasn't, I was a little disappointed. But that's not to say that I didn't have a wonderful time. It was just different than what I expected. Anyway, the week was great, I made new friends, and got to to something good for someone in need. What more could I ask for?

Upon my return to reality, I was struck with a cold. No doubt due to the fact that I've been running around nonstop for virtually the past month and not getting the ample rest that I needed. But I'm almost all better, with the exception of a nagging cough - which is not helped by the fact that there is now a fire in the area and aggravating the hell out of it. School starts Monday, which will be good. With that comes homework, papers, projects, college apps, and stress, but hopefully I will be able to handle it well and do well this semester. And that, my friends, was my summer.