God has a plan? Who knew?

Camp has happened yet again in my life and it never ceases to amaze me that I always learn something from it. I love that I continually learn from this experience, which makes me always go back, with the added benefit of the friends I've made and the kids I get to work with. Simply put: I LOVE CAMP!

With that said, I would be a liar if I didn't admit that, at times, camp is hard. This year was especially hard because we were not at our usual site, Colby. We had to learn to share - which was EXTREMELY difficult, & not as successful as I would have hoped. It was frustrating having to deal with the elementary staff & kids, but we got through it nonetheless. There were more than a couple campers that I wanted to strangle at times because of the way they were acting, but now that I've had my chance to rest & look back, it was not a bad experience. I am so greatful that we even got to have camp this year that all of the frustrating stuff is easily overlooked. But that doesn't mean I can't still look forward to being back at Colby next year :-)

Here are a few things I learned this year:
Patience. I like to think that I'm a pretty patient person most of the time, but that doesn't mean that you can't learn to be even more patient. We had a lot of younger kids this year, 1 of which is OCD, 2 were known to have psychotic episodes (luckily they did not have any at camp), and 1 was autistic. 2 campers had attitude problems and were too cool for their own good which made it difficult to get them to participate in anything. I think individually they were all fine, but when put together, it made for a very trying week at times.

Acceptance. I was so taken back by the kids and their ability to accept everyone. When I saw the autistic kid at registration, I immediately thought that there was going to be problems, just based on past experiences with my sister. But I was sorely mistaken. A number of kids took him under their wing and made sure that he was included in everything. Not once did I see anybody get irritated when he wanted to be included in a game or activity. That warmed my heart in such a way that I can't express in words. I just wanted to hug each camper for being so accepting of someone with special needs.

Love. On more than one occassion, I got emotional. That hardly ever happens. Period. And it's not because I don't feel loved, but rather, at camp I feel so loved and safe that I can open up in ways that I never have before. It is where I feel God's presence the most, which makes me feel comfortable enough to be able to open up and let the emotions flow.

God has a plan. This is by far the most important lesson I learned at camp. Especially given everything that happened with UCSD. Sure, I heard it before but for some reason, it really sunk in at camp. Our theme for the week was "Amazing Race, Amazing Grace," and we talked a lot about receiving spiritual training in order to be able to leave it all in God's hands, which is easier said than done. I never thought of it that way until this week. And now that I see that, I am so greatful for it and will cherish it and use that training to the best of my abilities.

Things I am greatful for at camp:
A staff lounge. We were not able to really have a place for just our staff. Usually, we have one where the staff can go (not all at once obviously) to be able to vent their frustrations at camp. It was not so this year which lead to me building up a lot of frustration by the end of the week.

Colby. God, I miss that place. I didn't feel as spiritually renewed as I do when I get to go to Colby. But, hopefully next year we will be able to be there.

The staff. Without them, camp would not happen obviously. They are such an amazing support system when it comes to venting, getting ideas, and hugs. And while there are a couple of changes year after year, I still get to work with the best camp staff. I would trust my life to these amazing individuals and in a lot of ways, I have because they've helped me through the most difficult struggles with myself. I can't express enough how thankful I am for them and how I feel I've made life long friendships with them. This is probably the best part of my camp experience.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And that, in a nutshell, was my week at camp :-)

So...I'm NOT going to UCSD after all

It really saddens me to say it because I was so looking forward to being there but even after RIGOROUS studying, I will not be able to pass my Statistics course. And after phone calls to the admissions people at UCSD, I can't even take the course over the summer. I asked them if that was possible and they said no, and they continued to say no after asking if I can defer my acceptance. So, I will have to reapply in the fall and not be guaranteed admission. I cried for an hour and it still hurts to mention it. I haven't told many people because in many ways, I'm ashamed. I mean, I was ACCEPTED and made the decision to go and now, because I'm not passing a class, I will be forced to stay at GCC for yet ANOTHER year. I've never heard of that happening to anyone. Usually, you get accepted, pass your classes, and go. I'm so disappointed in myself. Part of me doesn't even want to attempt the Stats final but I will, even though I'll have to repeat it in the fall. Ugh.

I can't help but feel like a failure in this whole mess. Even with all the love people are giving me. I've struggled so much to get to the point where I can transfer (8 FREAKING years to decide what I want to do) and now I have to take longer to get where I want to go. This was not in my plan at all. And now I feel sort of lost. Yes, I will continue my education (I will take Stats and a few music classes in the fall) because I feel it's important, but because my educational plan has been thrown off, I can't help but feel lost in some way. I think I'm mostly just frustrated because of this whole math thing. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!! And because I don't get it, I now have to wait yet ANOTHER year to get out of here. I keep asking why this is happening but I have yet to receive an answer... I guess it's all up to God now.

I'm bad at this.

I've come to realize that I'm bad at keeping this thing up to date. That mostly has to do with the fact that I only write when I need to vent and that I've been so busy with school that I have no time to write. I don't have much to complain about actually; life is treating me well. I was accepted to UC San Diego and will start there in the fall, provided I pass all of my classes this semester. This semester has by far, been the most difficult for me. It's all science and math, two subjects which have never been my best. I find myself doubting myself constantly and am worried that I will have to repeat classes, which I don't want to do. I am especially having a difficult time with Statistics and I'm trying so hard to study and stay positive. It's just math and I have NEVER gotten along. Oh well.

Other than that, life is good. I'm moving forward and will make every effort to meet my goals!

I guess it's that time again...

I really do need to start writing in this more often. Let's see... Since I last wrote, I've: finished ANOTHER semester of school, decided to give Stage Managing (or, at least Assistant Stage Managing) another try - something I thought I'd never do again based on my last, rather horrible experience, and started dating someone. Let's begin with school:

I am doing well in school. It actually amazes me! And I applied to schools to transfer to next fall, which I am excited/nervous/scared out of my mind for. I'm afraid of change and I've been at GCC for what feels like 100 years, it's only natural that I'd be nervous to move on. Aside from being nervous that I won't get into any of the schools I applied to, I'm scared of what the next chapter of my life holds for me. This is a big step for me and I don't want to mess it up. But over the last year or so, I've actually managed to stay focussed on my goal and will hopefully acheive it soon. I look forward to what the world holds for me and will accept it with every ounce of me (I don't think I'll really have a choice, lol). I just have one more semester to go before going to what I call "Big Kid's School," lol.

Assistant Stage Managing... A rather touchy subject for me since my last experience with it. However, in the three days we've been rehearsing, I feel like this will be a good experience. Jim is the Stage Manager and I have every confidence that he will not bail out on me like the last one. And I have a co-Assistant, Savanna. The three of us are a force to be reckoned with. Already we've established who's doing what, where, and how. And it wasn't something we talked about and then did. We just naturally fell into it, which makes me feel good about what's to come in the next few months. So, fingers crossed, it will be a MUCH better experience than last time.

Ah, dating. I've started seeing someone. He's wonderful and I like him a lot. We met through camp and have actually known each other for a little over four years but this last year we started texting back and forth and low and behold, we had some chemistry! We've been dating since August and things are good. I can be a goofball with him and I absolutely love the time I get to spend with him because it feels so natural to be around him. And, the more I get to know him, the more attracted I am to him, which is obviously good. One thing though, I have yet to have the "relationship talk" with him. I don't know why it keeps getting put off. I think it's because when I've actually had that talk in the past with others, it has not ended well and I'm afraid to rock the boat. So, I've got to figure out how to approach that, and soon. I think, also it's because I feel so in sync with him that I sometimes don't feel the need to have that convo. But I know I should just to touch base with him and verbally make sure we're on the same page. We'll see how it goes.

That has been the last five months of my life, in a nutshell. Hopefully I will find time to write more in the future, as I feel the need to make sure I don't keep things in and eventually explode.

Update

I have to admit that I've been lacking in keeping people posted as to what is going on in my life currently. I've been drained what with camp, followed by Sierra Service Project (SSP), followed by getting sick. So, here it is. Camp was great, as stated previously. I had a week to rejuvenate (which was not enough considering right after SSP I got sick) before heading off to the wonderful Loleta, CA to participate in Sierra Service Project - a project much like Habitat for Humanity, in which we go to an Indian Reservation (this year it was to the Wiyot Tablebluff Reservation) and rebuild homes. It was an interesting and educational experience for me and I enjoyed it very much.

As soon as we got to the little town of Loleta, located about 10 miles south of Eureka, CA., we were divided up into work teams and given a specific project to work on. My team was assigned to Pam's house, which needed new windows installed due to the fact that when the house was originally built 20 years ago, the windows were not properly weather-proofed and caused quite a bit of damage to Pam's home. Our group was the last to participate in this year's project (week 6 of 6) so a lot of the homes were just finishing projects. At first, our work team (which consisted of me, another counselor - Phil - and 8 high school students) had nothing to do. The contractor, Bob (yes Bob, and yes, we called him Bob the builder) was the only one who knew what to do and he was not scheduled to show up until Tuesday afternoon. So the majority of the first 2 days of work consisted of twiddling our thumbs. Finally, on Wednesday, we got to work. Tearing things out and installing insulation, removing screws and rusty nails (no one got cut, thankfully), installing flashing, followed by putting in the new windows and putting up sheet rock. I'm very proud of the kids for everything they contributed that week (and not just the kids on my work team, but the entire SSP group) and how hard they all worked to do something good for others. It really was a positive experience.

As someone who is accostomed to getting to know God through camps, I really wasn't sure of how this experience was going to be. It was a different experience and sometimes, I'm not the best person when it comes to changes (as I'm sure most of you out there are the same). But I have to say that I did get to experience God in the kids that were there. Seeing them do a good deed for others and letting them take things into their own hands was a rewarding experience for me. At the beginning of the week, something felt off to me though, and it took me a couple of days to realize what it was. I'm so used to camp and having the chance to know the other counselors really well. That was not the case here at SSP. I think I was expecting it to be a little more like camp than it actually was and when it wasn't, I was a little disappointed. But that's not to say that I didn't have a wonderful time. It was just different than what I expected. Anyway, the week was great, I made new friends, and got to to something good for someone in need. What more could I ask for?

Upon my return to reality, I was struck with a cold. No doubt due to the fact that I've been running around nonstop for virtually the past month and not getting the ample rest that I needed. But I'm almost all better, with the exception of a nagging cough - which is not helped by the fact that there is now a fire in the area and aggravating the hell out of it. School starts Monday, which will be good. With that comes homework, papers, projects, college apps, and stress, but hopefully I will be able to handle it well and do well this semester. And that, my friends, was my summer.

More unnecessary rambling...

2 part blog. Part 1: My experience at the DMV.

I recently (and by recently, I mean July 15) received a letter from the DMV stating that effective MARCH 27, 2009 my license was cancelled. WTF, Department of Motor Vehicles? You seriously took 4 MONTHS to send me a letter notifying me of my cancelled license? I've been driving around, thinking nothing was wrong, and here, at any moment, I could have been pulled over by a cop and easily been arrested because I was driving around with a cancelled license. That made me so unbelieveably angry! So I call the number that they provided to try and settle it over the phone, you know, so I wouldn't have TO DRIVE over there (illegally, mind you) and have to deal with it in person. I was willing to pay the $58 fee ($28 for my renewal, and $30 for the returned check, in which I was not notified that it was returned). But, the guy said no. I had to go and deal with it in person. I was scheduled to go out of town the following week, so I put it off until Monday. I went Monday afternoon (my mother drove me and, thanks to her as well as texting a good friend, I managed not to go completely crazy and yell at everyone and their mother). I just have to say that was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. I waited in line to receive a number for an hour, followed by another 20 minute wait once I got my number. If that wasn't bad enough, when I was called, I was told to wait for a supervisor, which took another 1/2 hour. The girl calls me back up and I begin to give her the cash to pay the fee and she then directs me to the cashier. I finally pay the fee and she then says that I'm gonna have to start the whole process over again and pay an additional $28 to get a new license. I say, "No. I'm not paying for YOUR mistake." I was waived the fee but then they tell me that I have to take a new picture for the new license, so my mom then asks if I'm getting a new license number. The girl says, "No, it'll be the same number." WTF? Then why do I have to stand in yet, ANOTHER line to take a picture in which I will end up looking like some kind of mass murderer or the Wild Woman from Borneo because I'm so pissed off? UGH. Needless to say, when I saw the pamphlet that said "How are we doing?" I filled it out with a rather long complaint and asked for a response. UGH. I hate the DMV.

Part 2: I hate what I'm becoming.

Not as a person in general. Just with certain aspects of my life. I've been texting a friend recently (a guy) and am beginning to have a crush on him. He's really sweet, but I'm driving myself crazy. That's really it. It's not that I don't want to like him, it's just that I want to like him, but in a non-crazy way. Like, I don't want to FREAK out when he doesn't text me back, or constantly check his myspace for recent activity. I really hate being a girl sometimes. Whatever. UGH.

That's my life in a nutshell right now. I am leaving for SSP (Sierra Service Project) in a couple of days and am REALLY excited. It's kind of like Habitat for Humanity in which we (me and some of the youth from my church) go to an Indian Reservation (this year it's to the Wiyot Indian Reservation in Loleta, CA - about 250mi north of San Fransisco) and help repair and build houses. I'm so excited that I get to go this year and can't wait to see what the week holds for me!

Camp!

Camp has come and gone this year and I have to say that it was a great year. We had a good staff and really awesome campers. I learned a lot from them and I hope they learned a lot from me as well. I seriously can't imagine my life without camp. It has changed my life in more ways than I can think of and I've made some of the best decisions of my life at camp. For that, I am greatful. Camp has become a mainstay for me and I intend to do it for as long as I can because it is an amazing experience to learn what kids think about God and that gives me new perspectives that I either thought about and forgot, or didn't even think about until it was mentioned.

Most of the staff consists of former campers, that, at one point or another, were so inspired by their experience at camp that they decided to become couselors and hopefully influence people in a way that they were as young individuals. I wish I cold say the same. Although I was a camper for 2 years, I don't really remember much of my experience at camp as a camper. In 2005, I was going through some changes in my life - one being a change of churches. My church was going through financial difficulties so the members decided to merge with another United Methodist church in the area. We made our change and started attending the new church. At the same time, I was deciding what I was going to do for the summer and decided it would be a neat experience to be a camp counselor. It was my mom that told me that our new associate pastor, Allan Strout, was the Dean of our church district's Jr. High camp. I don't remember calling him, but the next thing I knew, I was talking to him on the phone and accepting a position on the staff for that same summer. And my life has been changed ever since.

Camp has helped get me through the toughest time in my life and without it (among other people) I literally would not be here and I just felt the need to share my amazing experience with you all.